i can't sleep.

I can't sleep, which is bad because my baby wakes up around 5am. I feed him and call it the boobie buffet because I don't have the energy to get out of bed and take him back to his bed. So we cuddle/eat for a good three hours. That is until we hear the pitter patter pitter patter of big sis. Oh that big sis comes in and snuggles under the big white fluffy. Daddy has left and it's just the three bears in a big bed. If the door is closed and the curtains are shut. We often fall back asleep. It's probably against every parenting book out there to sleep in the same bed as your children especially until 9 or sometimes almost ten. But... we do it. Because I know that most days don't start this good.

i know that this bed won't last forever. The big white fluffy will someday not be big enough for me and my family. I know that this room where I've spent over four years falling asleep in, will someday be the safe place for another family. That the fan on, the top sheet off, the door open, the blinds closed, won't be that big of a deal anymore. The ice water rings on our dressers, the wet diaper sitting to the right of the pail because i missed (again) at 5am, the dirty clothes on the floor, the pink Min or Twang doll that was drug in won't lie on the floor any longer.

Nic always falls asleep before me now days. I hate it. I listen to him breathe and I just want to shake him awake. He's my best friend and I feel lonely not having him talking to me or responding to my random thoughts as I read my scriptures, check insta, or finish a chapter of my book. He's a tired guy, providing for a family of four is expotentially more work, and i want a thousand kids. I think he is tired just because he has some idea of what we are in for. So he catches as much sleep as possible. He follows the missionary schedule, too many good things we learned on our mission. How would life be for us Jones' without those fundamental life lessons.

The Lord does Bless Us. That's what I'm sure of. I am sure that in the middle of the night when I go check on the heavy breathers in a messy messy room. And when my husband insists on putting his leg over my leg so I won't be tempted to go watch TV and fall asleep on the couch only to complain that it was the worst night sleep ever. I know that I was meant to be a wife to him and a mama to these babies. I know it was ALL that everything before I became that was intended for. So that I would be more patient and more kind and more organized and more loving.

I have so much work to do, it's overwhelming to say the least. But if this is what I'm here for, I better just get working. Because there is no where else I'd rather be.

2014.

I am a goal setting, list making, planner using fool. i love paper products and gel pens more than any person i know. it's more than a love, it's an addiction. i could spend hours choosing one for general conference weekend in target (my go-to journal shop!).

but the truth is. i don't EVER cross of everything on my list. truth is i make lists and forget them. i don't accomplish most of the goals that i set. and my planners have empty weeks in them. regardless, my intention to do good, be better, and stay on top of my game are always there.

i love new beginnings. i love mondays. i love the morning. i love when my house is spotless. i love starting projects. i love opening a new book. i love new years. i love birthdays. i love starting fresh.

but sometimes, i only make it to january 2 without a diet coke. and i often skip the run i planned for and laid my clothes out and set my alarm for. i admit that my lofty saving for disneyland trips plans get foiled by a need for new tires.

2014, so far is the same as 1986-2013 for me when it comes to new years resolutions. i haven't failed though, at any of my goals. i have fallen short. but it's not over. 2014, is going to be one of the best years of my life. i know that because besides 2001, I think every year has been pretty great for me. i am lucky.

in 2014 i wanna.... read more. run more. love more. laugh more. be clean. get organized. blog more. count to ten. smile bigger. wear lip liner. give gifts. teach. learn a lot. get skinnier. buy cute clothes. travel everywhere. write more blog entries. kiss more. cuddle more. walk more. move more. watch less. waste less. hang with les. dejunk. simplify. cherish. finish everything. texas. be loyal.


these are just a few.
but i wanna look back and know i gave it my all.
gave ruby my best mom tricks.
gave nic my most supportive wife.
gave fitz my whole attention.
gave the lord my whole heart.
gave myself a chance to do the hard things.